With all of the uncertainty in the world with coronavirus back in March 2020, it would have been easy to cut my travels short in Bali and run back to the US. Yet, something deep within was relentingly calm and told me to stay.
That’s all I thought I was. Ironic, really. Every thought I had, I believed it to be my truth. I was a chronic overthinker. Did I like chocolate? Yes. Well, the cells in my brain formed a “yes,” so obviously it must be true. Did I hate my job? Well, every morning I would tell myself I hated it, so that must’ve been true too.
I never realized what I was feeling was different than what I was actually experiencing. I wasn’t fully aware of the mind body connection. How did I know I liked chocolate? What was my body’s physical response? How did I know I hated my job? Did my body have any reaction to the work I was doing? Or was this something I was just telling myself?
Even though I was a chronic overthinker, there was one absolute internal feeling that never subsided.
This was the all-knowing truth that I needed to pack up all of my things and move abroad. There was no emotion around it.
Even though there was an unwavering internal force guiding me to this decision, my thoughts would cause me stress about actually going. What would I pack? Would I even like it? Would I feel lonely? Why am I leaving my friends and family? You know those thoughts, we all have them.
There goes my brain again with the rapid fire anxiety and questions.
I had these worries because I was conditioned to distract myself with thoughts. I often talk myself in and out of decisions. This situation was different. My gut was signaling to keep pushing through this anxiousness because leaving was on my soul’s journey. There was no emotion present in this decision. Now I was excited and worried and delighted and frustrated and every other emotion in between. Yet, when it came to the idea of going abroad, it felt so matter-of-fact.
When I arrived, I felt freed. Freed from overthinking. Freed to relax. Freed from my cluttered brain. My brain felt as if it had organized its hard drive to create more storage for new items. Items that included reveling in the culture and beauty of Bali.
I remembered peace for the first time in my life.
I arrived in Bali February 2020, right before the Coronavirus epidemic impacted the West. When the United States was sentenced to a stay-at-home order in Mid-March, my parents called me with panic.
They were worried with thoughts about how the virus would impact Bali and that would mean everything closing down. Their thoughts produced fear and they were projecting those fears to me. More thoughts followed, What if I didn’t have a place to stay? What if I couldn’t get food or water? What if I had to quarantine without any support? The truth was, in that moment, I was safe with my thoughts and ironically, THEY were not safe, sitting with theirs.
Then my pre-Bali thinking Nikki had a field day. However, I was able to connect with my higher self and the same unwavering sensations I had about going abroad filled my body to stay in Bali.
I had no thoughts or emotions present–simply an all-knowing truth that everything would be okay, just as I was in that moment. I was experiencing calm and peace with the universe.
Staying in Bali is exactly where I needed to be. My inner child was not fighting or kicking or screaming–only bliss.